December 16, 2011

Top 10 Things You Need to Accept About Christmas

If you’re going to survive the holidays this year, there are some things you need to accept.  The sooner you swallow these truths the closer you’ll be to coming off your medication(s).

Top 10 Things You Need to Accept About Christmas

1. Your family is weird.  But so is everyone else’s so don’t freak out about it.  Everyone has an aunt that picks scabs at the dinner table. Everyone has an uncle that they suspect might be a tranny.  Everyone has overachiever siblings.  If you don’t believe me, watch the Best Christmas Song EVER.

2.  Your husband/wife/significant other is going to get your gift wrong.  No matter how many times you've told him that you like simple white gold jewelry, your new 4” heart dangle earrings will be yellow gold (with maybe a splash of rose gold filigree trim).  No matter how many times you've told her boxer briefs ride up your crack, you will get 16 pairs anyway.

3.  No one’s going to RSVP to your holiday party.  You will either have so much extra food that when your drunken state prevents you from driving it down to the shelter you’ll feel all terrible and waspy or you won’t have near enough and be tempted to swat canapés out of the hands of those that didn't RSVP - and you know which jerks didn't.

This is Tyler.  See below.
4.  You will not have enough batteries on Christmas morning and someone will end up crying because you have failed.  See example at right.

5.  A third of your ornaments will not make it to next year.  They are in cahoots with your socks and will magically disappear.

6.  You will lose at least one of the Santa presents Christmas Eve.  It will be discovered under your end table six weeks from now and this will begin the doubt in your kids that Santa is a fraud.  Well done, hooker.  Well done.

7.  You need to identify who made what at the covered dish gathering to keep your family from contracting trichinosis and salmonella.  Aunt Charlene does not refrigerate mayonnaise so stay the f#%k away from the potato salad.

8.  Yes, those personalized, gold embossed photo cards with the four perfect children dressed in smocking with angelic smiles offset with the pure bred yellow lab are, in fact, designed to make you feel inferior and it’s OK to hate the heifer that sent it to you for a minute or two. 

9.  Just because your high school friends are in town for the holidays does not mean it’s a good idea to get drunk on Boone’s Farm and climb the water tower, spray paint “Douche Bag” on the road in front of your ex-boyfriend’s house or try to buy a dime bag off the neighbor’s teenage kid.

10.  Just because #9 isn't a good idea doesn't mean you shouldn't do it anyway.

*Tyler is my friend, Beth’s baby girl.  Sometimes I stalk Beth’s Facebook page to look at all the pictures she puts up featuring Tyler crying.  I’m not sure who’s more effed up in this scenario - me or Beth?

Seriously, how would these not make your day?

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  1. #4 gets me every year. And I believe the toy makers are designing toys to need more batteries every year. Remember the SmartCycle? 8 D batteries?!!? This year, it's the Fijit friends. Even if I could find one in stores (which I can't) or afford the scalpers prices on Ebay (which I can't), I'd still have to buy $40 worth of batteries for the squishy animatronic. And then I'd have to listen to it all. day. long.

    This post is funny as hell, and those pics are amaze-balls!

  2. this is the funniest thing I have read in a while! hilarious! thanks for the laugh! ~b

  3. Oh my.....I have not laughed this hard in a while !!
    Have a great Christmas Hookah!!

  4. yes, oh yes. Add to the list: unless you are paying a caterer, you will spend your entire evening stressed over the darn pigs in a blanket. So deal. Or just stab the bastards. Or do what I do, have 'em over for breakfast, and as soon as the dishes are in the sink, kick em out!

  5. Ok....I am sitting here, with the dogs, laughing out loud! Seriously,OUT LOUD! Thank You!

  6. Love this, Mandy. And love little Tyler. As I commented on Pinterest when you see it: I think I was probably like this when I was little. What makes me REALLY laugh though is Tyler in the photo being so upset (she's on the left above) and her sister/relative on the right, just going along with it and smiling. Hmmm, now that I said that I'm realizing it must be Tyler's sister. She must be used to that sh*t from Tyler. --Similar to my son, how he deals with me now, since I am like a grown-up baby, a.k.a. Tyler. Sad, huh? My sympathies to your friend, Beth, if she has to deal with a daughter who is like I was. Story: when my mother tried to make me up on Christmas Day, Santa had arrived, and I said, "Oh, I don't want to wake up yet, I want to sleep, tell Santa to come back!" I was about 5...
    Gloria p.s. Love your blog, and RECIPES! as always! xxoo

  7. Correction from above comment: "WAKE me up" not "make" me up on Christmas Day! That sounds like my mother wanted to put make up on me. See how annoying I am, too fast and don't proofread. LOL!

  8. Oh my Gawddddddddddd! I'm reading this out loud to my husband, and laughing hysterically while doing it. He's staring at me like I've lost my damn mind, and trying to figure out why I find it hilarious. I'm thinking that some of us share relatives, because I've got that AUNT in #7, and lord knows I've got those "friends" from #8 that I just want to throat punch when I open the cards...Nice to know I'm not the only person who feels that way! :)

    1. Glad you got a laugh!! Thanks for writing!

  9. And I just read this to my fiance outloud laughing hysterically. I pinned some of your stuff on Pinterest, and have been a pinning fool since, so I didn't go back to any of your recipes till last night. I decided to make it a regular thang. I made the Hamburger Steaks with Brown Gravy for my fam last & it was delish! I don't know how good it is for you, but it's one of my family's favorites now. I am going to start making more of your recipes that I have pinned. Oh, and reading your blog. From where I'm from #9 is something that can happen at any given time, if we can ever be convinced to actually buy the Boone's Farm.

  10. I think u must have grown up where I did! Drank country quencher out of a sonic cup! Lol'd many times!

  11. I am a born again, tongue speaking , child of God. And I think you are hilarious!!! People are way to serious!! Life is fun, crazy and meant to be enjoyed.. Thanks so much for being you, God made you and He knew what He was doing enjoy yourself and ignore the meanies.


  12. testimony about my wife how has stoped to fill divorce letter today
    2weeks ago My wife fill a divorce letter saying he can no longer stay in a marriage of life time without a child, because i cannot impregnate a woman. I felt so bad because she agreed on it before we got into marriage and she didn't have a problem with it. Now she said she has seen another man whom she now love. It hurt me so much because i love her too much. So i seek for help on the internet so i found talks on a spell priestess that do spell, her email she was the one that then do a still to restore the lover my wife had for me when we met newly. The spell priestess did it and my wife came back and apologies and cancel the divorce. We are together and even more than when we newly met. The spell is more than anything for happiness of life.

  13. Are you sure we are not friends in real life :)

  14. Ok I am cheating, deleted your juice newton blog aka trigger finger, but gonna admit that chit makes me cry!

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  16. Actually, I love Christmas not that much, so I'll never accept it all. Never! Read here how I try to deal with this.


Hi there! While I'm not able to respond to every comment, I try hard to answer any questions that haven't been addressed in the post, recipe or in other comments. And though I may not respond to them all, I do read each and every comment and I LOVE to hear from you guys! Thanks, y'all! - Mandy

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