You know some of these moms. While the majority of baseball moms are completely normal, these moms do exist. I've seen them. In action.
And I have to go on the record and say that 99.999999% of the moms I've met and played with are absolutely delightful. As a matter of fact, the majority of our social circle is made from families we've met playing ball. But I am a people watcher. I probably should have been a sociologist. Or FBI profiler (ok, maybe not but I have read every Patricia Cornwell book). When everyone else is checking their email and chitchatting, I'm usually kicked back surveying the crowd. And after all these years at the field, I've seen some things that'll curl your toes!
And to my cheer mom friends, don't laugh too much because I'm calling y'all crazy heifers out next.
1) Politician Mom
This is the career baseball mom who flits around coaches and board members like it’s her job. She will ditch you mid-sentence as soon as she sees Mitzy Boardmember come around the corner so she can get 30 seconds of face-time with her. She name-drops like a lobbyist and will do anything to get little Billy on the all-star team. Anything. Wink-wink.
2) Name Brand Mom
Name Brand Mom’s kid sucks but it’s not from lack of high-dollar equipment and gear. She “discretely” confides to you that Hampton’s bat cost $600. Every piece of clothing her kid owns has giant it-brand logos emblazoned across the front in neon colors. His helmet and shoes cost more than your car payment and the only reason you know that is she “slipped up” and told you the prices.
3) Prowler Mom
Prowler mom is looking for a man. For reals. But until she lands one, she’ll settle for knowing all the dads and teenage boys are looking at her. This is the mom that shows up for a double-header wearing 4-inch wedges, a halter top and microshorts (complete with t-bar visibility). She spends two hours straitening her hair before every game and doesn't let the 104-degree forecast deter her from slathering on six layers of makeup.
4) Hippie Mom
Do not give Hippie Mom’s kid anything to eat or drink. Ever. After she guilt-trips her kid for ingesting GMO sunflower seeds she will place a hex on you. You’ll think she’s just giving you the stank eye but she’s really reciting the words of an ancient Norse curse and tomorrow your nipples may or may not fall off.
5) Lonely Mom
Lonely Mom needs some friends. STAT. She’s been left alone too long at home with her kids and thrives on time at the ball field because of the adult interaction. Never ever let Lonely Mom be the team mom or she will plan parties, extra practices and picnics on Saturday afternoons so everyone can hang out some more. Because 4 nights a week isn't enough.
6) Softball Mom
This mom played softball in high school and college and plays on a men’s league now. She has more ball know-how in her little finger than half the coaches but no one cares because she doesn’t have a penis. She’ll never be asked to assistant coach but her husband might even though the only thing he’s ever played is x-box and a trombone.
7) Scary Mom
Scary Mom is the one on her tiptoes screaming at her own son through the fence. And she’s not just screaming, she’s bringing sarcasm and name-calling to the table. Why didn’t you throw the ball?! Is your arm broken?! Oh, now that’s how you swing. In golf! Scary Mom might be seeking approval from… who? The other team? I dunno. Scary Mom is cray. And I kinda want to punch her in the ear.
8) Reproducer Mom
This is the mom who has the infant strapped in a papoose, one in a stroller and three on the field. It takes her 4 trips to unload the minivan but when she’s done she’s claimed a 10-foot area by the dugout complete with a beach umbrella, a picnic blanket, eleven folding chairs, a wagon, a cooler, a first aid kit and a pack-n-play. And she just announced she’s pregnant again and they’re hoping for twins this time!
9) iPhone Mom
If it weren't for taking cute pics for Instagram, Twitter and Facebook, iPhone Mom wouldn't see any of the game. She spends the whole game scrolling through her social media and texting. iPhone Mom has no idea when her kid gets a triple, slides home or strikes out. And because you feel sorry for her kid, who absolutely notices how uninterested his mom is, you cheer for him as much as you cheer for your own kid.
10) Enabler Mom
When her son flings himself on the ground to scream and cry because he has to run laps as punishment for throwing his bat at the pitcher when he struck out, she tells him he doesn’t have to. When he has to play in the outfield because he didn’t stop any of the 17 balls that came to him at second base, she texts the coach the next day to say her son isn’t given enough opportunities. This woman is going to be someone’s mother-in-law one day. Hide your daughters.
11) Perfect Mom
OK, I kinda want to hate her. Somehow she and all her kids always look good. They’re always clean – even their nails. They don’t even sweat. Her clothes always make me feel grubby and old. She somehow has a tan all year. Her Hybrid SUV is always spotless. She always has chilled containers of berries. And wipes. And the worst part? She's nice. Like, really nice. So I can’t hate her.
12) Overzealous Mom
This mom really does think we are the Braves. She stands and screams for every play and every hit. She talks smack to the umps. She coaches through the fence Third! The play's at third!! – and sometimes she’s wrong. And she kinda sounds like a dragon.
13) CIA Mom
This mom hears everything and she's got the low-down on everybody. When you quietly ask your husband if the batter has 1 strike or 2 she turns around and answers you. From three bleacher rows below. When you jokingly ask if the team you're playing is undefeated (because they're killin it, yo), she'll quickly and matter-of-factly tell you they're actually 17 and 1.
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