I saw this video today and almost peed all over myself laughing. This is a woman who just woke up from having her wisdom teeth cut out. And I swear to you I had the EXACT kind of conversation with Husband the day he had his colonoscopy.
Except Husband was talking about buttholes. Loudly.
Set the stage and watch this first...
Disclaimer: The following is Rated R and is not suitable for young people or prudes.
OK, Husband and the onions aren’t the only ones with nicknames. Husband has called me Buzzy for as long as I can remember. He never, ever calls me Mandy. I’m Buzzy. Always.
Now imagine Husband in the same state as this girl except he’s in a recovery room with several other people. And in I walk...
Husband [slurring like the town drunk]: BUZZY!
Me: Hey, honey, you awake now?
Husband: Woman, you are stunning.
Me [laughing]: Um, thanks. Are you about ready to get home?
Husband: Tha f#ck are you talking about going home? I juss got here… they haven’t done anything yet. I love you so much, Buzzy.
[Dozes off again…]
Husband: BUZZY! BUZZZZZZY!
Me: Hold it down killer, there’s like seven other people in here. And nurses.
Husband: Oh my God, I’m gonna shit my leg. You’re so beautiful.
Me: WHAT? Wait!
Husband: Do you think if I fart I’ll shit my leg? I’m just gonna shit the bed.
[Everyone in the room is chuckling]
Me: Don’t shit in the bed. Please.
Husband: How long is this gonna take??? I’m ready to get this over. I’m HONGRY. Did I just shit? I love you.
Me: NO! Stop swearing! Everyone can hear you.
Husband: I reeeeeaaalllly want to fart hard.
Me: Good, let it rip. They said you’d have gas and it might be painful so get it out if you can.
Husband: If I fart hard I’m gonna shit my leg. Or the bed. We gotta go home so I can fart hard in the yard (???).
[People have given up quietly chuckling and are full out laughing now]
Me: You’re done. We’re just waiting on you to come around a bit and we can go.
Husband: I juss got here. They said to count backwards from 10 and then they juss left.
Me: No, you went under. You've been back here for like an hour. You’re done.
Husband [“whispering” loudly]: I think they took my wallet so I couldn't go to Burger King. That ugly redheaded woman. With the teeth. I told them I was gonna walk to Burger King. I told them that. I told them you were pretty too. Did I just shit?
Me: No, you didn't shit. Um, Nurse, do you think we can LEAVE now??? Please!