November 14, 2012

Husband & the Colonoscopy

I saw this video today and almost peed all over myself laughing. This is a woman who just woke up from having her wisdom teeth cut out. And I swear to you I had the EXACT kind of conversation with Husband the day he had his colonoscopy.

Except Husband was talking about buttholes. Loudly.

Set the stage and watch this first...

Disclaimer: The following is Rated R and is not suitable for young people or prudes.

OK, Husband and the onions aren’t the only ones with nicknames. Husband has called me Buzzy for as long as I can remember. He never, ever calls me Mandy. I’m Buzzy. Always.

Now imagine Husband in the same state as this girl except he’s in a recovery room with several other people. And in I walk...

Husband [slurring like the town drunk]: BUZZY!

Me: Hey, honey, you awake now?

Husband: Woman, you are stunning.

Me [laughing]: Um, thanks. Are you about ready to get home?

Husband: Tha f#ck are you talking about going home? I juss got here… they haven’t done anything yet. I love you so much, Buzzy.

[Dozes off again…]


Me: Hold it down killer, there’s like seven other people in here. And nurses.

Husband: Oh my God, I’m gonna shit my leg. You’re so beautiful.

Me: WHAT? Wait!

Husband: Do you think if I fart I’ll shit my leg? I’m just gonna shit the bed.

[Everyone in the room is chuckling]

Me: Don’t shit in the bed. Please.

Husband: How long is this gonna take??? I’m ready to get this over. I’m HONGRY. Did I just shit? I love you.

Me: NO! Stop swearing! Everyone can hear you.

Husband: I reeeeeaaalllly want to fart hard.

Me: Good, let it rip. They said you’d have gas and it might be painful so get it out if you can.

Husband: If I fart hard I’m gonna shit my leg. Or the bed. We gotta go home so I can fart hard in the yard (???).

[People have given up quietly chuckling and are full out laughing now]

Me: You’re done. We’re just waiting on you to come around a bit and we can go.

Husband: I juss got here. They said to count backwards from 10 and then they juss left.

Me: No, you went under. You've been back here for like an hour. You’re done.

Husband [“whispering” loudly]: I think they took my wallet so I couldn't go to Burger King. That ugly redheaded woman. With the teeth. I told them I was gonna walk to Burger King. I told them that. I told them you were pretty too. Did I just shit?

Me: No, you didn't shit. Um, Nurse, do you think we can LEAVE now??? Please!

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  1. LOL!!!HAHAHAHA! Thank you soooo much for sharing!!! I really needed this!!! My face cheeks are hurtin' I laughed sooo hard. I wonder if I said or did anything like this when I had the procedure??? Oh I hope NOT!!! Have a great day!! Audrey Miller from facebook :)

  2. OH MY-LANTA! My stomach and cheeks hurt SO much from laughing at this. I did something similar when I had my wisdom teeth out except when my mom was inside the drug store getting my prescription, I was in the car with my little sister and told her that her cabbage patch doll was really a psychotic murderer and that her doll would kill her in her sleep. To this day, my sister is still afraid of dolls.

    After I had surgery to remove some ovarian cysts, I kept accusing the nurses of stealing my uterus, and I insisted that they give it back AND pay interest in the form of Cinnabons. I kept dozing off, and they kept yelling at me to wake up so I said, "Listen you bitches, don't you be yelling at me. I'm a princess and I want my uterus and dammit, will someone get me some freaking Cinnabons?!"
    "And you'd better bring me extra frosting and I know you took an ovary while you were in there too!" I even asked them if they let me keep my vagina. I told them hubby would be MAD if they took my vagina.

    I should have hubby take video the next time I have surgery.

  3. Oh man, I should have ready that a lot earlier because it definitely improved my day!!! Hilarious!!!

  4. tooo funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. OMG. I am totally making my husband read this. We had the most ridiculous conversation after his colonoscopy when ended in him whipping off his johnny and telling me that "alllllll the ladies liked seeing him naked!" The nurses told me not to worry they love a patient like that.

  6. My boyfriend absolutely refused to let me take him to have his colonoscopy done. And well, now I know why. TOO FUNNY!

  7. i laughed at the video and at your commentary on your husband! that is freakin hilarious!!! ha!

  8. OMG I just found your blog and I am literally crying laughing! I've had one of these moments with my hubs after his hernia surgery! Hilarious! Made my Friday and I. will. be. back!!

  9. OhMyGosh, I didnt even watch the video yet because kids are around but Man did I just die laughing at your experience w/ hubby. Cant wait to share it with my hubby... Thx for the laugh!

  10. Randomly came across your blog and I actually know these people. Well, they are really good friends with a close friend of mine. Too funny.

  11. Sweet fancy Moses, that was the funniest thing I've read in, like, ever. I actually had to take a little break after "fart hard in the yard," because I was afraid I'd laugh so hard the tears ran down my leg.

  12. OMG! I don't think I've laughed that hard in a long time! Having gone through both procedures (both teeth and backside!) I remember vaguely being extremely disoriented! I may have to copy this and share with my kids....and ask, Did I do that?!!!! Funny stuff!

  13. Thank you for posting this! My husband (who just happens to be a Gastroenterologist) and I had a great laugh!

  14. OMG I loved this!..I laughed so hard! The video was great but your story was way better! LMAO!

  15. Reading thru tears! I went to pick up my husband and wondered why they giggled and he told me that he woke up during the procedure and grabbed the dr's hand. When he looked around, he said to the dr "oh sorry, thought u were my wife"." Really?! Thanks dear.

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  17. We offer a convenient, open access colonoscopy in Los Angeles . You can set up an appointment for colon cancer screening examination, without first having to obtain a customary referral from another physician. Our flexible scheduling allows an appointment with our GI doctor usually within 1-2 week of calling. For those busy individuals who have other matters to attend to during work days, we provide Saturday appointment for your convenience.

  18. As a good ol' Canadian boy myself, I salute Husband! Way to represent Ontario buddy!! And yes, this had me rolling on the floor but good!

  19. Ok, I think I just shit my leg laughing. This is even funnier than the video. You better note that next time hubs goes in for a colonoscopy take a video camera.

  20. While my husband didn't talk about shitting, he also found me VERY attractive. So much so, that he wanted
    a kiss and tried to tongue me in front of everyone. Jeez.
    Love your blog. I'm sure we would get along swell.

  21. ROFLMAO! Just went through this with my husband a month ago. He wasn't quite as "happy" but he did repeatedly say he had to fart and poop. Would never believe us he could go ahead.........finally got up in his woozy state and walked in the bathroom to fart. It was spectacular too! Oh me......... so funny. I am sharing this with him.

  22. OMG! Im never having a colonoscopy..

  23. This has got to be one of the funniest things I have ever read! I just made Firecracker Chicken two days ago and my brother called me to ask when I was making it again! I have to admit, I am a transplant to the south from Washington, D.C. but I refuse to move back!!!


Hi there! While I'm not able to respond to every comment, I try hard to answer any questions that haven't been addressed in the post, recipe or in other comments. And though I may not respond to them all, I do read each and every comment and I LOVE to hear from you guys! Thanks, y'all! - Mandy

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