April 3, 2012

Me plus Juice Newton equals Tammy Faye

I’m such an idiot. Where to start with this story???

OK, Angel Baby’s all-star cheerleading team is going to be on the local news tonight for winning a national championship title a few weeks ago. Last night, Ms. Debbie, the gym owner, asked me to do the interview with her because she’s pretty sure she’s going to vomit on live television and needs back-up (and she’s prolly right, God love her, she’s a nervous wreck).

Since I’m going to have to go to the studio straight from work, I decided (in all my infinite wisdom) that I needed to leave for work this morning camera-ready. And since I don’t usually wear foundation, blush, etc., what makeup I have is probably at least 15 years old.

I smeared my face with foundation this morning, looked in the mirror and was staring at a geisha. Too light. Awesome. OK, I think I have some bronzer somewhere (also, 15 years old). I caked that on. And looked jaundiced. Six layers later, I was even and close to the right shade but literally looked like someone carved me from clay. Super.

So, of course, I had to apply a sh!t-ton of eye shadow, liner, mascara, blush and lipstick to actually bring my features back out of the clay.

I 100%, totally and completely looked like Tammy Faye Bakker. Husband just stared at me when I came downstairs. I looked him square in the eye and said, “Not ONE word. Do not utter ONE word.”

I then loaded the onions up in the car to take them to school. My nerves were shot, I knew I looked like a total idiot and the 437 things I had to get done at work today were reeling through my head. On the way to school, the old Juice Newton country love song, The Sweetest Thing came on. And while I am fully aware that this is not a song sung from a mother to a child, just as I looked in the mirror at Angel Baby, I remembered hearing this song just after she was born, after she and I had stayed up all night, and I cried my eyes out.

I said, “Hey, AB, did you know I heard this song one morning when I was holding you in my arms right after you were born and it’s always reminded me of you [voice cracks]….”

When I see you
In the morning
That ole sleep
Still in your eyes
I remember
All the laughter
And the tears
We shared last night....
And as we lie here
Just two shadows
In the light
Before the dawn
The sweetest thing
I've ever known
Is loving you

The song is just a-going, I take one look at my babies in the back seat. And completely lose my sh!t (hell, I'm about to cry now...).

And I have never
Been afra-aid of loo-o-sing
And I have never
Wanted love
To be a cha-ain...
I only know that
When I'm with you
You're my sunshine
You're my ra-a-ain
The sweetest thing....
I've ever known
Is loving yo-u-u-u

Big, fat, mascara-laden crocodile tears are running down my face, carving canyons out of my 6 layers of foundation and powder and the onions are looking like they’re contemplating jumping out of a moving car.

I pull up to the drop off, assure the onions I’m NOT losing my sh!t, throw them out of the car, try not to make eye contact with the crossing guard and drive away.

And this, folks, is what I’m going to look like at work all day and on TV tonight. 

p.s… when I pull up to work, I realize that Big Daddy Boss (Bossman’s bossman’s bossman) is in town today.  Excellent.

UPDATE:  I was able to get myself somewhat situated once I got to work but my eyes are so bloodshot from the crying and ancient eye makeup that I look like I'm coming off a 3-day drunk.  The camera is going to love me.

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  1. Yet another reason I'm glad I'm a guy. BTW, what channel and what time?

  2. If you have time get on over to a makeup counter and get a quick makeover. Tell them why and you'll be in like flynn!

  3. Hi, so enjoyed reading your blurb/article/emotional break-down! I am the widow of Otha Young who wrote "The Sweetest Thing," and I broke down as well. No make-up on, so I was spared the river of black streaming down my face. On the serious side, it is so heartwarming to read your rememberance of that song and the interpretation you gave it. He was a wonderful man, and just reading that his words etched warm mermories on your heart brought a smile to mine!
    I'll sign off now-I have some old lotion and make-up that I should purge from under the sink.

    I hope the Onions grow up to apprciate the song!

    Brenda Young

    1. Oh, Brenda. I have no words. Plus, I'm crying. Again. Thank you so much for this. I will cherish your kind words always.


  4. Thank you for this post. I giggled quite a bit and needed it after a long day:) What a treasure that Brenda saw this and commented also!

  5. Bahahahaha! Found your site on Pinterest and have been reading through your posts. But I had to comment on this one. I did this (sans makeup) on a cross country drive with my teenager niece in the passenger seat next to me. She was playing You'll Be In My Heart by Phill Collins on her ipod speakers (this song always does me in because I feel like I'm singing it to my kids every time) and I started to sing along and by the end I was hiccuping and my shirt was covered in tears and a little snot too. She was just looking at me like I was the grossest, craziest things she'd ever seen. Ha ha. Glad to know I'm not the only mommy who can't connect music to kids without loosing it.

  6. Kudos Sweet's! Laughed and cried.. :-)

  7. omg! I laughed and cried my way through this post. Too frigging funny! I used to never cry, and then I had kids. I'll be having a perfectly happy day, and some evil though of them driving of a 300 foot cliff will make me lose my $h!t! By the way, I live outside Philly, there are not cliffs around here.

    Keep up the great work!


  8. I couldn't make it to the end because I just had to post something NOW. That shit is funny!!! Thank you for making me feel normal, not only with the crazy love you express with tears at inopportune times, but with your style of writing and having the gumption to tell about it just exactly how you would say it to an old friend! I'm not sure if you give me courage to forge ahead with my new blog or intimidate me into thinking I could never be this funny and entertaining. Either way, thanks for the laugh. Now, to go back and finish reading it. seriously, as I scrolled upon the Joker pic I almost spit out my morning coffee. Dat face!!! LOL!!!

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