I get a text from my hooker Beth yesterday asking for some help with the Tuscan Sausage Dip with White Beans and Spinach.
The last time she made it I just brought her a baggie with the herbs and a half-empty bottle of white wine since the heifer doesn’t cook much and I didn’t want her to have to go buy all the stuff that will go bad before she uses it again (never)…. Which, in hindsight, probably looked a little suspect when I handed her a bag of herb and an open bottle of wine in the parking lot of our daughters’ cheer gym. With our kids in tow.
It took me like 14 minutes to text her back because I’m incapable of abbreviating anything or not using proper punctuation. Plus I hate texting.
I thought about our correspondence today and realized that I might be a bit of a wine snob. What do you think?
Here was the text...
Beth: Hey Hooker! Would you, by any chance, want to hook me up with another round of spices for that dip? J. loved it and wants me to make some this weekend.
Me: I’m out of wine but I have plenty of oregano and thyme!
Beth: If you could tell me what kind of wine, I’d love you forever!
Me: Get a dry white like chardonnay or pinot.
Beth: A what???? I’m not a wine person… :)
Me: CHEESE AND RICE! I’ll send you an email!
Here was my email...
|found this on ebay when I was looking for a snappy print to go with this post|
From: Mandy Rivers
Date: Thu, Feb 2, 2012 at 4:10 PM
Subject: wine, bitch (chapter 1 - whites)
To: Beth P
You know I can't text.
OK, crash course in white wine...
Dry means not sweet
Sweet wine is for hookers
Boxed wine is for white trash hookers
White Zinfandel is for crack whores. With scabs.
Never EVER cook with sweet wine. And really... don't ever drink it around me because I'll call you names.
How do you know if it's dry? It costs more than $3. Because hookers won't spend more than $3 on a bottle of wine.
Look for something inexpensive like Redwood Creek or Barefoot. Chardonnay is one of the driest white wines which is why it's best for cooking.