February 3, 2012

Wine Snob?

I get a text from my hooker Beth yesterday asking for some help with the Tuscan Sausage Dip with White Beans and Spinach.

The last time she made it I just brought her a baggie with the herbs and a half-empty bottle of white wine since the heifer doesn’t cook much and I didn’t want her to have to go buy all the stuff that will go bad before she uses it again (never)…. Which, in hindsight, probably looked a little suspect when I handed her a bag of herb and an open bottle of wine in the parking lot of our daughters’ cheer gym.  With our kids in tow.

It took me like 14 minutes to text her back because I’m incapable of abbreviating anything or not using proper punctuation.  Plus I hate texting.

I thought about our correspondence today and realized that I might be a bit of a wine snob.  What do you think?

Here was the text...

Beth: Hey Hooker! Would you, by any chance, want to hook me up with another round of spices for that dip?  J. loved it and wants me to make some this weekend.

Me: I’m out of wine but I have plenty of oregano and thyme!

Beth:  If you could tell me what kind of wine, I’d love you forever!

Me:  Get a dry white like chardonnay or pinot.

Beth:  A what????  I’m not a wine person… :)

Me: CHEESE AND RICE!  I’ll send you an email!

Here was my email...

found this on ebay when I was looking for a snappy print to go with this post
From: Mandy Rivers
Date: Thu, Feb 2, 2012 at 4:10 PM
Subject: wine, bitch (chapter 1 - whites)
To: Beth P

You know I can't text.

OK, crash course in white wine...

Dry means not sweet
Sweet wine is for hookers
Boxed wine is for white trash hookers
White Zinfandel is for crack whores.  With scabs.

Never EVER cook with sweet wine. And really... don't ever drink it around me because I'll call you names.

How do you know if it's dry?  It costs more than $3.  Because hookers won't spend more than $3 on a bottle of wine.

Look for something inexpensive like Redwood Creek or Barefoot.  Chardonnay is one of the driest white wines which is why it's best for cooking.

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  1. We have an opinion about this:

    Cooking with wine requires only one thing: Dry Marsala (not usually under $3, but you might-could find a sale). NEVER use that crap 'cooking' wine from the back of grandmother's kitchen cabinet because it isn't really wine and it's really full of sodium. The rule: if it's no good to drink, then it's no good for cooking. Exception to the rule: we would never drink dry Marsala, but that could be just us.

    Actual rule, no exceptions: NEVER use your favorite drinking wine for cooking (ours are always unoaked Chardonnays) because that just reduces the number of servings for drinking. And we can't have that. We won't have that!

    No wine? (Whuh?) Use whatever whiskey, rum or other 'brown' spirit is leftover. (Leftovers? That's right, laugh laugh laugh!)

    The whole point of adding any alcohol is to fuse and brighten the flavors in a way that nothing else can. Reduce the salt in a recipe if you must, but don't be chintzy with the alcohol.

    Good luck, Beth, wherever you are!

    1. Why is there no "Like" button on this thing?

  2. Well said. When you call people hookers, is it just the ladies, or are guys included. I want to be a hooker.

    1. You can absolutely be a hooker! Although, as I'm reading this, there are two kinds of hookers in this post: the awesome kind (like Beth and now you) and then the real hookers (who, in all fairness, may be totally awesome as well) who would drink the crappy wine.

    2. Being a hooker makes me happy. But maybe I should be the pimp?

    3. Oh no. You are a hooker now. There's no turning back.

  3. Oh yeah, you got that hooker ed-joo-macated!

  4. I prefer a good, dry sherry, purchased at the wine store NOT the grocery store, for stir fries, and a decent Pinot Grigio for my favorite Shrimp and Linguini with spicy wine sauce.

  5. I just bumped into your blog. I am NOT a crack whore with scabs. That's all I have to say. ;-)


Hi there! While I'm not able to respond to every comment, I try hard to answer any questions that haven't been addressed in the post, recipe or in other comments. And though I may not respond to them all, I do read each and every comment and I LOVE to hear from you guys! Thanks, y'all! - Mandy

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